'My Friend Is An Alien From Outer Space'

The starting credits come on, and the crowd begin chanting, and cheering. They roar one mans name, their favourite host, their idle, the one they consider to be God. This man is none other than Jerry Springer. He strolls along the stage, and spreads his arms out wide, absorbing the cheers from his fans. After a short while, he signals for silence. Vague whispers go round the crowd, as they wonder what today’s show will be about.

“Welcome to the Jerry Springer show” started the host. “Today’s topic is: ‘I, Jerry Springer, have a compulsive drinking disorder, and my mom is overweight’. Wait a second, that’s not the real topic! Very funny you guys, now put the proper one on the autocue!” Laughter roams round the studio, especially from the technical staff, as they have made a fool out of Springer on live TV. Serious kicks in around the crew, and they get back to their usual jobs once again.

“That’s better, now, today’s REAL topic is: ‘My friend is an alien from outer space!’. Now let’s first bring out Gohan!”

Clapping circles the studio as the little boy walks out. His hair is gelled down, signalling that he couldn’t escape the overprotective mother of his before coming down. Everyone points and laughs and this terrible style. One audience member stands up, and begins running his mouth.

“HAHAHA, who does your hair? Yo momma? HAHAHA” Gohan is not amused by this, and shoots a small KI blast at the man, killing him outright. The laughing is quickly silenced.

“Now Gohan, please refrain from casually killing my audience members during the show. They have paid good money for tickets. At least kill them at the end.” Springer pleaded.

“Ok, I’m sorry Jerry” Replied Gohan politely.

“Ok, no harm done…well…only a little bit of harm done, but never mind, that guy had bad B.O anyway. Well, this is your second time on the show isn’t it?”

“Yes sir, first time was with that bitch mother of mine.”

“Was anything sorted out?”

“Yep, I beat the sh*t out of her as soon as we got home, and ever since, she’s been a lot less obsessive over me.”

“That’s good to hear. And remember folks, if your wife/mother ever plays you up, beat sh*t into her!” (SEEXY’S NOTE: This is a joke, do not take it upon yourself to do this in real life).

“Well, in case you was wondering, she did my hair while I was asleep the little cow, if she wasn’t f*cking my dad, I’d kill that f*cking bitch!” Gohan screamed/

“Erm...yes, quite Gohan. Anyway, I believe that you have a friend from outer space?” Jerry asked considerately.

“Yes. He is big and green.”

“What’s his name?”

“Mr. Piccolo, he saved my life, sacrificed his own life for my own. Bitch-woman doesn’t like me talking to him though, but hey, she can go rot in hell for all I care, dumb little sh*t rag.”

“Well, let’s bring out Piccolo!” Jerry shouted to the backstage staff, as the green man walked out into the open, wearing an uncharacteristic black suit. He stands up, and puts his arms in the air, then starts waving them around, egging on the crowd to cheer deafeningly.

“Yo, what up in da Bfunk Jerry? Word to yo momma! What up Gohan my little rapmeister, how’s everything in da Babylon…friend?”

“Yo, everything’s good in the Babylon thank you very much Piccolo my good friend.” Gohan replied excitedly.

“Erm…yes, everything is fine in the Bfunk with me. And my ‘momma’ appreciates the ‘word,’ Piccolo” Jerry answered, somewhat confused.

“Good, you see, Gohan’s bitch-ass-mother-f*cking-wench-ass-sh*t –licking-mother doesn’t take much of a liking to me. I can’t see why, I’m a f*cking nice f*cking guy. Apparently I teach f*cking Gohan f*cking bad mannors, and make him f*cking swear” Piccolo said innocently.

“Hmm…yes, I can’t see why at all” Jerry mumbled, unconvincingly.

“Anyway, in case any of you dudes out there were wondering, I is from Namek, and I is one hip dude, with all the right moves, and the right location to do da wikki wikki bitch-ass rapping.” Piccolo said, dancing about in his seat. The crowd are instantly attached to him, cheering loudly, and chanting his name now, instead of Jerry’s.

“Riiiight, now let’s bring out Krillen, he is an Earthling who has befriended a Saiyan” Springer said nervously. From backstage walks Krillen, as he strolls across the stage, his shoulders swaying to both sides, getting the crowd to cheer, then shakes hands with Gohan and Piccolo, muttering some incomprehensible, gangster-type language.

“Krillen, you have befriended a person from a race who conquer planets, and kill people for a living. How does this feel?”

“Yeah well, you see, me and Goku are closer than two opposite poles of a magnet, and we are in the super Babylon of impressiveness…bro. You see…well…we is like dis” Krillen answers, holding his hands together in a joint grip.

“Erm…” Jerry replied.

“He said that he and Goku are really good friends” Gohan explained.

“Ah, I see!” Jerry replied. “Well, bring in Goku!” Goku walks in, dancing in a  cool fashion, with baggy clothes on, and a walk familiar to that of a rapper of some kind. Jerry groans as he predicts what Goku will sound like, quite possible worse than anyone else.

“Hello good sirs, how are you all on this grand day?” Goku asks in a polite, posh fashion. “God day Jerry, I am delighted to return to your most exquisite show. I must thank you for inviting me on, it pleasure me greatly to entertain people.”

“I’m only here for the money” Gohan, Krillen, and Piccolo all say together. They chuckle amongst themselves, then Goku takes a seat. A female audience member stands up, and looks at the aliens suspiciously.

“This is for the bald guy, and the short guy, I just wanted to say that you too good for those freaks.” This entices Piccolo to stand up in anger and shout back a response in a very rude manor.

“Talk to the hand girlfriend!”

“You aint all that and a bag of potato chips green man!” Shouts another audience member.

“Looks like someone aint getting enough of the good stuff at home” Gohan answers, as he is annoyed at his friend being insulted.

“Don’t even go there!” shouts Krillen in a fit of laughter. Goku, Gohan, Piccolo, and Jerry all look at him oddly, then say at the same time:

“Shut up you dork”.

“Yo, what is that you wearing anyway boy? Yeah, you, the one with the spiky hair, hey baldy, dump him and get a real man!” A male, pink-outfit wearing, limp handed audience member shouts.

“You want a piece of me? I will kick you to the curb boy! Uh huh!” Goku replies. Security guards step in, and push everyone back to their seats, only resulting in them getting frazzled by the angry aliens. Goku and Piccolo then jump on the crowd, killing them one-by-one. Bored of sitting quietly, Gohan and Krillen jump in, and within minutes, everyone is dead, apart from the Z soldiers.

“Anyone wanna come to my place for a Bud?” Goku asks. Everyone obliges, and follows him, including Jerry, but not before he gives his final thought.

“Aliens aren’t always bad, especially ones that share their bud with you, but remember, if you ever see anyone different to you, beat them sh*tless. (SEEXY’S NOTE: Don’t do this either, its just stupid, and intended as a joke only). Thank you, this is Jerry Springer, of the Jerry Springer show, saying goodnight. Hey guys wait! I want some Bud!” He finished, running after everyone. The curtain crashes down, and the produced frantically signals for the crew members to turn the camera off.

“Well, I think that went well” said the cameraman.